Harvey Updyke oozed his way back into the public eye four days ago. He called radio host Paul Finebaum's show and declared on-air that he had been told to "make a living will and get right with God" due to persistent health problems.
Making a living will and getting right with God might be suggested after poisoning the beautiful, treasured, historic, magnificent oak trees on Auburn University's campus, anyway.
I'm just saying.
"This is not a publicity stunt," he said. "The way things have been going, I just need to do it. I may live to be 100, but I may not live to the rest of this week."
Hmm. Go on, Harvey.
"I just want to tell the Auburn people that I'm truly sorry for all the damage I've done," he said. "I'm not asking for sympathy. All I'm asking is forgiveness . . . I want the people that's Christians to understand I've done a lot of good in my life. I've never intentionally hurt anybody . . . until this."
The people that's Christians. I am so happy to point out that this guy is from Texas, not Alabama.
"Until poisoning the trees?" Finebaum suggested.
"Paul, you know I can't say that," Updyke replied.
Of course he can't say that. The entire world knows that Harvey dumped massive amounts of Spike 80DF into the soil at Toomer's Corner in February of this year. But dendricidal maniacs have to be discreet and charming.
Updyke ended the conversation with Finebaum abruptly, saying, "I guess I've said enough. I guess I've done enough damage."
You got that right.
What you did was beyond ugly, Harvey.
I don't even have a Bless Your Heart for you.
You were indicted in May on two counts of criminal mischief, two counts of desecrating a venerable object and two counts of a state law that includes making it unlawful to damage, vandalize or steal any property on or from an animal or crop facility.
I hope they throw the book at you. In any event, your prison term in the State of Alabama will prove to be very unpleasant. May you be deprived of college football access. May you have no window where you might spot a single green leaf in the world outside.
Love from Delta.