A Tiny Tribute to Steven Wright

     

He's been around a long time, and has one of the sharpest rapier wits you'll ever encounter. Steven Wright says in his official bio, "I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end."

     

     I admire that sort of brevity. It's the soul of . . . well, you know. Here are some of my favorite Steve-isms for your Saturday:

 

• Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
• If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
• Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
• I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
• So what's the speed of dark?
• How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
• After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
• Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
• If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
• If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
• Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
• Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
• Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
• If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the otherway?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
• When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
• Do fish get cramps after eating?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
• Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
• Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
• Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the oppositeof progress?
• Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
• Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travelagent?
• Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
• Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

Love from Delta.